


And I said what about -

by Kuro_Guardian



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Let's have an adventure, Possible madness, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Tony has a ball, Tony-centric, Trope Subversion/Inversion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 16:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8408254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuro_Guardian/pseuds/Kuro_Guardian
Summary: story prompt:okay so lik imgine Tony and Steve falling in love in a coffee shop where Steve is a shy barista and Bucky's his cool boss. UwU
Except not because while Tony's grasp on reality is a bit loose (awesomely loose) there are three things he's fucking sure of:
1.) He is not gay - he likes tits and softness and curves and definitely not dicks.
2.) Even if he did swing that way - Steve Fucking Rogers? Really?
And (most importantly)
3.) Whatever and/or whoever designed this bullshit exercise is a fucking moron he could out program in his sleep, and they are definitely catching a repulsor blast to the dick equivalent when he gets out.
TL;DR - Tony is not amused by the stupid simulation he is currently caught in, and there will be hell to pay. Glorious violent explosion-y hell with interest.





	1. There had better have been hallucinogens in this coffee.

It has been said that life is short, painful, and a fucking misery of random happenstance… and then you die. After that some people say you go to heaven, some people say you are reincarnated, and some people say you got to one of many many hells. Now having been more of a goat than a sheep must less a lamb… well, Tony thought there would be more fire or something. Instead, the sun is shining; he’s in a “nice” coffee shop that basically screams affluenza, and Steve “perfect teeth” Rogers is making googly eyes at him. Fire would be preferable.

 

Of course, that’s not actually the problem. Well, okay it’s definitely **a** problem, but it isn’t **THE** Problem. The Problem is that he and Rogers haven’t spoken in three years. And they haven’t spoken because the last time they saw each other Rogers tried to murder him. You blow the replaceable metal arm off a somewhat psychotic assassin who violently murdered your parents and all of a sudden people lose their damn minds and start in with head blows and butterflying injuries. Then they leave you alone and unarmed in a fucking Hydra base to freeze to death. And so … so Tony may have become a bit (actually a lot) paranoid – which meant having all kinds of signals and backups.

 

Like the white gold and platinum ring that’s supposed to be on his right hand – inside of which is a tracker/locator. And let’s not think about why something like that would be important, although fun fact: a desert is an area that fails to receive a certain amount of rainfall per year. Doesn’t matter if it’s burning hot or freezing cold – and now is not the time to remember how much trauma his chest (his heart) has taken. No, now is the time to get his head together because this is serious.  

 

So yeah or rather no, there should not be a capsicle-shaped anything anywhere near him. So a large part of The Problem is that there is and also that aside from looks there is nothing of Rogers in it. Rogers would never make such a milksop face because Rogers is three steps away from being Captain Libertine the Great Alpha Father here to guide you. Like it would physically hurt him to be anything less than the most masculine of macho men.

 

So the bowed shoulders and the downcast eyes and the way he’s biting his lip like this was fucking Twilight and his name is Bella… nope. Sooo…this is a trap. Or Hell – it could still be Hell. It’s not like he wouldn’t deserve it. Killing people is a sin, adultery, disrespecting your parents (at least his dad), fornication (so much), um blas- “Um sir?”

 

Fuck no – it’s talking to him. “Sir?” And Rogers doesn’t sound like that, especially not when talking to him. Because Rogers hated him from first sight, which is his problem because Rogers is an idiotic asshole. A hypocritical, idiotic, bull-headed, lying, moronic monkey-cunt of a prolapsed, shit splattered, herpes-ridden asshole. Not that he’s angry or anything – facts are facts after all. 

 

Also, this fucker must be blind because any normal idiot would notice how tightly he’s gripping his knee. And whoever set this up is a heathen and a fuckwit because this suit is not what any man should wear never mind Tony Starks. But cringing into the nearest corner, while his expression does an excellent impression of a growing thunderstorm won’t fix anything. Neither will growling – so he’s gonna have to act like ‘people’ and deal with the creepy fuck wear Rogers’ face. ‘Fuck my life.’

 

“Um, Mr. Stark – I mean Tony,’ and there is a bit of Cap’s charm, ‘Are you okay?” There are so many answers to that, and none of them are advisable. Least advisable of all is flipping the table. That would definitely not be helpful; it would, however, be fun and potentially cathartic. Also hilarious because having a mental age of four and a half has its perks, but Pepper would be disappointed and also something is rotten in the state of whateverfuckingstan this is so: “Oh, I’m sorry kid, it’s been a fairly suckass day in the neighborhood.”

 

And the Pod-person thing smiles, because apparently, it didn’t get that reference? “Tony, you’re impossible.” That is the tone Pepper uses, that is a tone Rogers should never direct at him… they are not fond of each other. ‘Keep it together. Don’t run away screaming. The jig is not yet up.’ But it’s about to be because this is some grade A creepy shit. But he can do this; of course, he can get through this. He built the Mach I in a cave with a box of scraps while being watched by cameras.

 

“Sure. What do I owe you?” And maybe he can’t do this since Roger’s face has just gone weird. “You haven’t ordered yet… Should I call Ms. Potts?” Like fuck he’s dealing with Pod-Pepper – “Nah, I’m more than half asleep. Can you get my usual to go? There’s a pretty nice tip in it for you.”Nailed it. At least he has if that slow smirk on Rogers face is anything to go by. “Just the tip?” EW! Ew. Not enough liquor in the damn universe for… ew! “Cute, but I’m too sleepy to play.” Also too sober for any of this, also what the fuck Podgers? Ew!

 

 Podgers laughs and then walks, um sashays, what the hell is wrong with his legs? Is he trying to be enticing? Because he’s coming off like he’s got a bad case of hemorrhoids. Whatever, Tony just has to get out of here and figure out some way to get out. Then he’d get out the shoddy phone Actual!Rogers left him and they can take turns stomping the shit out of the idiot in charge of this. Brilliant plan really, but that’s to be expected because GENIUS. And seriously what even is the walk Podgers is putting on? “Here you go. Save the tip – you can use it to cover wherever it is you’re taking us tonight.”

  
Mental reject say what? “What?” Yeah, no that looks doesn’t belong on anyone but Pepper. “Our date – the one you begged me for last week. The one you’ve been dropping into all our conversations. The one you promised would be amazing – or have you forgotten?” Between the crossed arms and the cocked hip (never mind the pursed lips)… Rodgers may well have gone full controversial*. And you never go full controversial*, that’s like going Full Macintosh or /pol/. And the saddest part of this is that there isn’t any way to save this as blackmail material. Life isn’t fair.


	2. Not enough liquor in the world

Okay:

1.) He’s naked.

 2.) The mattress he’s laying on is a crime against humanity, and also his poor back.

And

3.) Something has gone horribly wrong and/or is in the process of going horribly wrong.

Of course, he’s not going to know just how wrong unless he opens his eyes. Then again if he opens his eyes there is no way to hit ESC and jettison himself from whatever clusterfuck he’s in. It’s times like this he really, really misses JARVIS. Like Vision is a great kid, but he just doesn’t get it like JARVIS did. JARVIS would be standing by with some bogus emergency call or he’d have called Happy or Pepper. And that is skin that is not his skin. Okay. He’s not alone in this bed right now. And he kind of, sort of, potentially remembers something about pod people and creepy ass doppelgangers with perfect teeth. Shit.

Okay, time to pull off the bandage. Despite current opinions, he’s not a coward – he’s fucking pragmatic. And the pragmatic thing to do would be to see just how badly he’s fucked. And dear God that’s a horrible way to state things considering the situation. Okay. Quietly taking a deep breath while scrambling to remember any prayer Tony cracks open an eye, an eye he then promptly shuts before he proceeds to weep internally.

Waking up next to a naked, frisky capisicle doppelganger isn’t exactly on the _Top Million Things Anthony Edwin Starks Wants to Happen_ list. Not that he has a top million list, but preparation is honestly half the battle in life. Also being around Pepper and Rodney and Agent Agent rubs off on you – like a transferable rash or herpes or glitter – which is honestly the herpes of paper products. But that’s enough of that because he is panicking and he can’t afford that right now. Although it would help if some people remembered hands don’t go there unless they belong to pretty ladies. “Howdy cowboy you keep making moves like that and you’re gonna end up in the hoosegow.”

Aw well, Cap always did have a nice laugh, but the lack of tits and the presence of dick are a definite disqualification here.  Mostly the dick – not like he hasn’t gone out with some very masculine women before. Either way Tony pats himself (mentally) for being the best spy, especially since he isn’t a traitorous wench who stabs people while writing awful things about them. Although if Podgers over here lets that hand drift any lower the stabbing thing might change.

‘And what the hell is that face? Is he giving me the _Smolder_? Oh God, he is!’ He really is - the half-lidded eyes, the pouting lips, the uncomfortable head tilt. ‘My company for a camera, but not really because Peps would kill me.  Besides people would do something stupid like give it to Rogers. And that chucklefuck can’t lead nine people never mind deal with hundreds of thousands of individuals.’ Oh and it looks like Not!Cap is about to speak up.

“Hey Babe.” Okay, never let it be said that Tony Starks can’t admit when he’s wrong. Which isn’t to say that Podgers didn’t deserve a lamp to the head, rather maybe smacking him upside the head first thing wasn’t okay. Then again the lamp had made the **most** satisfying sound as it met Not!Caps pretty (if empty) head. And now pretty boy is out like a… well like a light. ‘Heh, made a funny.’ Oh well. The bodysnatcher is probably not dead. No, he’s definitely breathing – so okay um…

Right! Time to do some analysis here, and yeah neither of them is wearing clothing. Also, no wonder a sad sack like Ross wants the Super Serum – that just isn’t fair… not that it’d probably fit. Poor Natasha and/or the Murderbot formerly known as Bucky. Anyway like that one time in China this will never be spoken of again. Or it won’t be as soon as he can escape this shoddy simulation. Alright, clothes first and then, um no…  We can’t have Podgers waking up pissed because Tony applied a lamp directly to his head.

Fine then, let’s make this situation worse with kinky bondage time, and then take a shower with all the hot water and probably bleach.  And that should probably be followed by some intelligent mature action, but screw that and its twin sister – this situation calls for liquor or coke or some risky cocktail of pharmaceuticals and cough syrup. Really the sky’s the limit here. But not really because there is no way to pretend he doesn’t know that they know that he knows this is all a half-assed ruse.

On the slightly more optimistic side of things, at least the simulation is kind of sticking to its own rules. Because no way in hell would a real world equivalent of cap be taken out by a simple (if spectacularly ugly…and cheap) light fixture. And the barely passable cord he just pulled out of said lamp wouldn’t have a chance of keeping him tied down. Oh well, small blessings, gift horses, gathering while one may or something. But definitely not panicking – no that is Tony’s least favorite thing to do. Right next to jogging in canyons, and being betrayed time and time again. And yeah way too sober for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes - two chapters! Because this one is going pretty fast - it shouldn't be longer than ten chapters are so and I'm already on chapter three. So yay!


	3. The simple things in life, like really effective tasers.

Okay! Two showers, half an eight-ball from some rando, and most of a bottle of Jack later it’s time to get to business. Laid out on the sad excuse for a table Podgers apparently got from Ikea’s lamer cousin is what technology Tony currently has access to. Honestly, he was better equipped in the damn cave. Hell, he was better equipped in that abandoned Hydra base. At least the Iron Man suit has a metric fuckton of goodies inside. He is not going to sigh… he is going to drink a bit more of Daddy and Mommy’s little helper and figure this out. Because surely there has to be something he can build out of two (low-end) tablets, one (cheap) blender, one busted laptop, one outdated as fuck semi-functional laptop, three spools of wire and a jerry-rigged smoldering-iron.

This could potentially work, and yeah no this has to work because fuck it. “I am still too goddamn sober for this.” But he spent what chump change he had in the pathetic little wallet he has on him. And he can’t find his car keys (does he even have any?).  And he already knows that the walls of this virtual prison are entirely too goddamn small all things considered. Just like he knows analog clocks glitch at the quarter of an hour or that there is a persistent flickering from the corner of his eye. Little things that most people wouldn’t notice because they’re too busy drifting through life. Or because they don’t have a mild phobia of water and so don’t watch it excessively.

Also, there are things about himself he doesn’t mention. There is a nagging ache in his left shoulder for instance that he hasn’t felt this entire time. And there is the way he breathes, breaths that don’t ever reach their logical conclusion because arc reactors take room. But here he can breathe as deeply as he wants. And there’s how every inch of him is present despite his poor circulation and chronic lack of oxygen. No unpleasant tingles or sluggish reactions…no losing the thread. Getting the extremis surgery was the best possible thing he could have done. If nothing else it saved on brain damage which is always a plus. Not that this information is in any reasonably accessible location – so of course, the fuckwits behind this don’t know they’ve made him too damn healthy for this to be real.

Which means this is either Hydra or SHIELD’s doing. Not of course, that there is any real difference between the two of them. Here’s hoping Fury has enjoyed his bullshit carrier, because it and everything even tentatively connected to the greater net is about to get bricked. As for Hydra? The new Legion program needs testing and really it couldn’t happen to a nicer group of guys. Sadly cackling over future revenge will simply have to wait – because he is still too sober to function right now. Maybe bizarro!Steve has some pill bottles scattered about? Tony’s smart enough not to poison the fuck out of himself… of course, there was that whole heavy metal thing. But he managed to cure himself because – hello – GENIUS so whatever.

“Ugg.” See – totally didn’t kill the fucker. Not that it matters, but the potential to be mentally scarring is pretty high up there. But anyway here’s hoping that cord holds. “Fuck.” Not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. “Language.” Well, at least he kind of, sort of, potentially tried. And yeah it’s probably SHIELD – they got Rogers’ ‘how dare you' face down pat. The righteous indignation in his eyes, the furled brow, the pursed lips and raised chin – and people wonder why he wants to punch the fucker right in his perfect teeth. In other news, the cord is definitely holding up. Yeah, engineering!

“Wha-? Why the hell am I tied up?!” Shouting is probably bad, neighbors and calls to the cops are probably to be avoided right now. But then again the program has been remarkably lacking in NPCs so what the fuck ever. Also – “Ooh, keep that up and I’m gonna tell yo’ mama.” – now is the perfect time for taunting. Sure it’s not the real Steve, but it’s still hilarious. “You don’t even know my ma!” If only because both the real and fake absolutely suck at comebacks. “Nope, but you have a cell phone and are the type to make long calls home to mommy.” And if the billionaire looks fantastically smug, well who the hell is actually gonna call him on it? The Naked Guy?

“Well, what do you have to say to that, Mr. Kent?” It’s actually quite impressive just how unimpressed le garcon de café looks right now. “My name is Steve and you need to leave. Untie me quickly enough and I might not call the police.” And there is surely some prime land for sale in the Okefenokee Swamp.  Still Stark crosses his arms as he tilts his chair back… “Is that so – where are the good drugs, Steve?” Not even Steve’s perfect face can make gaping like a particularly idiotic fish look great. In its defense, it tries really hard.

“Is that- you’re fucking rich! Why? Was every-? What?!” “So articulate, much eloquence, wow.” The sound Steve gives is … simply amazing. Like the angriest toddler in history if it were given Hulk serum and helium to breathe. Honestly, laughing fit to burst is the only correct reaction to something like that. All the better since right now he can fucking breathe. “I hate you.” The question, of course, is why – is it the laughter, the being naked and hogtied, or did he actually get that reference? ‘Probably all the above.’

Wiping away actual tears the brunette shrugs, “Aw… you almost sound like yourself cap.” And there is an echo of that sound again before the big lug gives a full-body flop.  Belly dancing fish would just about be descriptive enough. “Who the fuc- what the hell is wrong with you?” It’s doubtful that fake!Rogers is that kind of doctor so, “Well I kill people and eat hands. And that’s two things right there.” ‘ How much bigger can Fogers’ eyes get I wonder? Also, he probably didn’t get that reference.’

“What?!” And the cord is doing such a god job of holding right now. “Yeah, maybe do a better job of checking out who you bring home in the future there cap.” Maybe that lamp wasn’t as cheap as it looked, but it was definitely like super ugly man. “Cap? Look I don’t know who you think I am, but-” “I know what you are, because I know who you aren’t. Sadly that’s not really important right now.” And let it never be said Tony Stark is incapable of making a simple device. You know, like a fucking taser – tasers are super simple bro. And then Rogers had a little nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied - this is chapter three going live tonight and also there are probably like twenty chapters. I'm not sure, I am in a really motivated mood right now. Which is either great or horrible depending on why I am in said mood... Anyway, three chapters in a day! Yay!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so first things first - this story is not to mock anyone. It's based off me and some friends riffing overdone story ideas, and there are a couple of others like it nearly ready for posting. Next, some terms that may or may not crop up.
> 
> Controversial - meaning to be gay or LGBT in general, and super campy in specific. 
> 
> Exceptional - to possibly be literally retarded and/or to lack any ability in logical thinking.
> 
> Euphoric - having the intellectual depth of a particularly dim-witted twelve-year-old on crank. See also hypocritical, fanatic, and fuckwit.
> 
> This space reserved for more terms.
> 
> Issues, problems, suggestions - leave a comment. Ta!


End file.
